To Be Cool: You Must Be An Obamamaniac

To be cool, you must be utterly in love with the man who will soon take over governing the most powerful nation in the world, Barack Obama. You will love him. But this will be no ordinary love; it will border on an unhealthy obsession. You will talk all things Obama, you will wear that super hip Generation Obama shirt you got for free at the Election Night Party, you will spend most of the hours of your day googling anything Obama has said or done or blogged. You will wonder if you should apply for a job in his cabinet. You will begin believing Obama is in your soup. In your dreams. In the books you read.

It is in this way that you will become an Obamamaniac. And only the cool people become Obamamaniacs.

To Be Cool, You Must Not Know About Financial Crisis

To be cool, you must not be paying any attention to the current American financial crisis. You will say "Oh, what's going on? I don't watch TV so I don't know what's going on, yeah." You will continue going out to NuRave Night at the Fairplex with your cousin Gino and your tight pants. And you will continue spending $16 for a vodka-and-redbull. To be cool, you must act as though nothing of importance is happening outside of your vodkaredbullnurave world.

Depression? What depression?

To Be Cool, You Must be NuRave

To be cool, you must throw or attend big parties with electronic music but make sure that the right crowd attends. The right crowd means no one over 30 and no one who was old enough to ever attended a rave in the 90's (or those who are under 30 and clueless. Meaning they live in the 909). Also no vegans. None of that hippie shit. Because that means they probably attended Burning Man, which your flier must stay as far away from as possible. To be cool you must make sure you target the hipsters, the scenesters and the neon sunglass-wearing masses. If you get any of the above 30/vegan/burning man crowd you may as well start wearing a popped collar. Because that is not cool. To make sure the right crowd attends you will call it Nu. And any Nu will do. NuWave. NuJustice. NuRave. NuGoth. Everything goes. As long as there are neon sunglasses. Also make sure you have the right kind of party photographer in hand.

To Be Cool, You Must Have Long Earlobes

To be scene...err To be cool, you must enlarge your ears with plugs. Not just any ear plugs, huge ones. And ones you got at some inexorably hip location in downtown this or other or mid city somewhere. The more dangerous the city the better. And boys, you know what they say...the bigger the plugs the higher the street cred.

*pic courtesy of shdwscn

To Be Cool: You Must BE Kanye West

In light of recent events at LAX, the faculty of cool would like to retract a previous post in which we said that to be cool, you must like Kanye. We would like to now posit that to be cool, you must ACTUALLY BE Kanye. Because no one else on earth can pull off looking cool while wearing a Gucci baby backpack and punching the lights out of a TMZ paparazzi, but Kanye West.

On a related note, to be cool, you must wear a backpack. But in a totally ironic way.

To Be Cool, You Must Enjoy British Comedians

To be cool, you must totally get overseas comedians. This is because they have more credibility and are more intellectually in tune with the zeitgeist. And they will not make jokes about "rednecks" or "Target" like American comedians. Ones with British accents will do just fine. In fact, they might be the most sought after comedians.

Extra cool are struggling networks who hire comedians who are "big elsewhere" to host an award show because they are in desperate need of an edge. Worst case scenario is that the host bombs, or the American's don't understand his humor, or worse, he offends the olds and the religious. For a case study, see Yahoo Serious.

Thanks Courtney Love for the idea behind this post.

To Be Cool, You Must Be At the RNC.

To be cool, you must be at the RNC. Protesting outside. Right. Now.

You will think about it like it's Coachella. Except, you know, boring. And with less fancy bathrooms.